NBA Captions: Knicks Conference
December 18, 2009 by Nir Regev (OneAnswer) · Leave a Comment
"Look it's not about the playoffs or wins! Or even draft picks! We're trying to build something special here. When I saw Nate shooting at our basket, I thought, wow what an innovater, how come Steve never thought about doing that? Is Donnie still here? Oh I see he is. I love Nate Robinson"
The Zeke Files: Steve Francis Conference
July 20, 2009 by Nir Regev (OneAnswer) · Leave a Comment
"First off, I'd like to thank all of you for coming on short notice"
"I'd like to bury these heinous rumors! Let me say there's a time and a place for everything... And it's called Reuben Patterson's house"
"So as you can see, this woman is simply after Zeke's mone-"
"Mr. Thomas, DNA evidence has been found as of 10 am this morning. How do you respond?"
"Get Francis in here.. He's gonna need to take the fall on this one"
"Sir, you fired Francis"
"I did what?!"
"Mr. Thomas you haven't responded to my question"
"Here's my response... Son have you won two championships?
"No I haven't......"
"Well Zeke has"
"But what does that have to do with anythin-"
"This conference is over"
Momma There Goes That Team
June 10, 2009 by Nir Regev (OneAnswer) · Leave a Comment
Reports have it Mark Jackson has hired a new agent to get him a coaching job in the NBA. Only one thing is certain.... Please let it be the Knicks
Hansel and Gretel
February 9, 2008 by Nir Regev (OneAnswer) · Leave a Comment
"Hansel and Gretel"
"Once upon a time, a man had not a dime"
"He was being eaten out of house and home, he could not let this child simply roam"
"If the child kept being fed, Pax could not see a life ahead"
"So he allowed him to go with little Zach, and search around for many a snack"
"Candies and chocolates galore, but they always just wanted more"
"Soon they came across a small Frye, who could do no better than cry"
"Don't eat me he said, I can offer you something instead"
"Follow these pieces of bread, and I promise you will be fed"
"Now let me be free, a feast I guarantee"
"So they decided to follow the trail, after Zach stopped off in jail"
"When the authorities found no weed, little Eddie knew it was time to feed"
"They soon came across a store, and started knocking on the door"
"Invited inside, they just couldn't decide"
"What would you like Isiah inquired, you both look quite tired"
"Looking on with most delight, little Eddie wanted everything in sight"
"And poor little Zach, he was having a big mac attack"
"Come let me fatten you up, just have another cup"
"Go to that cage little Curry, there is no need to worry"
"And you can serve me little Zach, here go check on that rack"
"Little Zach sensed something wrong, but decided to play along"
"Come check this fryer Zach said, and then hit Isiah right in the head"
"And so little Eddie and Zach were free, it was time for another spree"
"Let the people be scared, as no buffet would be spared"
The Zeke Files: Kobe Session
January 30, 2008 by Nir Regev (OneAnswer) · Leave a Comment
"I've called this session today to announce that the Knicks are doing all they can to get Kobe Bryant on this team"
"We can put together as competitive a package as anyone else in this league, and the Lakers will have their choice of Marbury or Francis"
"However, Curry is not on the table. I'm not going to get hustled here. They don't call me Zeke for nothing"
"How can you possibly believe the Lakers will accept your offer?"
"Mitch"
The Zeke Files: Leadership
January 30, 2008 by Nir Regev (OneAnswer) · Leave a Comment
"Now I know a lot of you media folk have been bashing me lately and my comments. But let me assure you that when I say we were the best 33-win team of all time, it's fact"
"But Isiah what about leadership and taking some accountability for failing to make the playoffs?"
"Leadership? Leadership?! Son are you really questioning Zeke? I won 2 championships, and when I think of leadership only one person springs to mind."
"What about improving the team?"
"We'll be looking into trade options over the summer"
"YES, we're finally gonna get Mobley like I asked! I knew you'd come through for me Isiah"
"Quiet down Francis! I forgot you were even still on this team. Anyway that'll be it for today guys. Everything's fine in Knicks land I assure you. Be confident in Zeke"
"Please don't fire me James"
OneAnswer's Holiday Wishlist
January 14, 2008 by Nir Regev (OneAnswer) · 2 Comments
It's that time of the year again. You're working over time, boss on your back and kids whining back home. And the girlfriend/wife/mistress has demands of her own! It never ends.. But before you give up on watching the NBA this holiday season, have no fear! You're going to be able to see the Rockets play the Cavaliers for the 4,897th time on ESPN after all!!!
That's right no worries! For the first time ever, 2007's best presents will be showcased. I've done the searching, so you don't have to. These boardgames are the cream of the crop, and they're fun for the whole family! Remember, the NBA Cares... And so does OneAnswer.
Everybody loves Kandy Land! The game of busts is finally here. They say the journey to underachievement starts in childhood.. You don't want to stunt your kid's growth do you? Don't delay! Your child will learn vital lessons including: scoring on a contract year, signing a contract 10 million dollars short, firing your agent and much, much more! Winner is the first one to inevitably gain 400 pounds and be unable to 'jump' for rebounds.
*No skill or previous experience necessary!
Zydrunas Ilgauskas hasen't slept in over twelve years... Will the man ever get any sleep? Will the black shadows under his eyes finally disappear? You decide! That's right Zydrunas is giving you the opportunity to decide his fate! Will you allow him to get some rest? Or will you fall asleep yourself watching the Cavs? Only one way to find out!
*Dr. Gooden Warning: Mysterious Hairpatch might result from use of this product
Grant needs to make the playoffs!! But can you fix him in time? Fun for boys and girls. It's the newly updated 2007 edition of Operation! Will you rush away to give the Pistons that last ounce of playoff revenue?! Or will you conceal important documents and send him off to the Magic? No matter what you choose... Don't forget to draft Darko!
*Grant Hill included... Some Assembly Required.
You've been given free reign of the Knicks. Next stop the world... It's the game of Risk! With your right hand man Lieutenant Marbury at the helm, you're capable of everything and anything. It is your duty to laugh in the face of sexual harassment, sign Jerome James and generally waste as much money as possible. Everything you touch must reach foreclosure in order to win. The CBA, the Knicks, David Lee...
*All white board pieces removed
There's been a murder! The victim: a bike, was found laying dissembled in the exercise room by the Spurs old playbook and Shawn Bradley. Only the playbook could be reached for comment. The exercise bike had previously been seen in a dispute over the MVP trophy with Mr. Nowitzki, who was said to have appeared furious to onlookers. After a slight scuffle (ending with the bike winning), Mr. Nowitzki ran off and no charges were filed. But what truly took place that night? Who dissembled the exercise bike? Find out in the new game of Clue!
*1st round loss not included
That's it for now! Stay tuned later this week, for my thorough overview of Monopoly. Till next time, I'm OneAnswer!
How to Draft a Bust: Jazz Method
January 14, 2008 by Nir Regev (OneAnswer) · 1 Comment
"How To Draft A Bust"
"Forget that guy Larry! My dude is like totally European and sh*t"
Step 1: Locating Talent
When drafting a bust, scouting is vital. You don't want just any kind of bust! Nooo sirr. He needs to meet very specific criteria. To all you aspiring GMs out there, I say worry no more! I'm letting the secrets loose! This handy guide will help you on your journey...
The Utah Jazz Method:
Draft the white guy. A tried and true method perfected by the Jazz. Here's a leaked Utah memo I've managed to covertly uncover!
If you answered something else than 'C', well, you failed! That's just not the Jazz way. Here, take a look at the rich line of busts Utah's produced.
Notice anything? If you don't, you probably don't belong on the Jazz. However, even if you did, don't think ole' Larry H. Miller is going to come calling just yet! There is a central part to using the Utah Jazz method that is key. This is what separates the men from the boys, my friends. It's...
'The Distraction'
If you're not careful using the Utah Jazz Method, people might start asking questions. You want to put a stop to this right away! Simply go against the basic drafting principle of the Jazz method every few years, and no one will be the wiser! Just remember, any time a person starts up trouble, point away and say 'but what about that guy'. It's flawless.
*Alternative Zeke Method*
Simply take all the rules from the Jazz method, and reverse them! Here is a pie chart for all you visual learners,
That's it for now! Stay tuned as we continue down all methods later this week and finish up Step 1 of 'How to Draft A Bust'! This is going to be a long guide... But nobody said drafting a bust was easy! Till next time, I'm OneAnswer!
When Keeping it Real Goes Wrong: Isiah Thomas Edition II
January 4, 2008 by Nir Regev (OneAnswer) · Leave a Comment
"When Keeping it Real Goes Wrong"
"Damn it! Marbury can't get a call out there... Screw it, I keep it real"
"Erika!!! Plan B!!!"
"Heyyyyyy Bobbbyyy!!! Come back to the locker room at half time... I got a special surprise for you"
"Oh boy"
"Erika? You in here baby?"
"Yeah Bobbyyyy, come closer"
"Oh hey Eddy! If you could just let me through here...."
"What? Why are you and Zach looking at me like that?"
"AHHHHHHH!!!!!!"
*Later*
"Me and the refs had a little chat before the second half about Marbury's calls. That's pretty much when things started turning around for us"
"..................."
"Why you always gotta give me that look son"
When Keeping it Real Goes Wrong: Isiah Thomas Edition
December 30, 2007 by Nir Regev (OneAnswer) · Leave a Comment
"When Keeping it Real Goes Wrong"
"I've called this conference today to say the Knicks are moving up a tier in the NBA! I present to you Larry Brown, our new head coach!! We'll now be fielding questions"
"Isiah, what do you plan to do about the mismatched talent on this team?"
"Why you gotta bring that up son? Larry is gonna to take this team to the next level. I guarantee it.."
"In fact I'll do better than guarantee... I'll keep it real! Conference over"
"Dude, this team sucks!!"
"I know right"
