New York Times: Fat Is In

Prada sunglasses, girl jeans, fat. Millions of fatties rejoiced yesterday when Guy Trebay of the New York Times announced the latest new fad. The sumo look. Guy has done much research regarding the matter, and maintains 'hipsters' are purposely gaining weight because President Obama is in shape.

“If we had a slob in the White House, all the hipsters would turn into some walking Chippendales calendar,”

That's right stick it to the man! Sure rebelling in the 60s was about music and sex. But we've evolved past that, now its about Twinkies, texting, and finding ways to not get laid. It's kind of like Woodstock, if Woodstock totally sucked.

“I sort of think the six-pack abs obsession got so prissy it stopped being masculine”- Aaron Hicklin.

The key to masculinity:

You may notice the lack of females, food supply was short.

Fat Source: http://www.nytimes.com/2009/08/13/fashion/13POTBELLY.html

Elite Xtreme Comedy

There comes a time in every company’s life where decisions have to be made. Xtreme decisions. So ‘Xtreme’ that the company folds hilariously days later. Today we take a look at one company's rise to the top! Their journey from CBS to PBS, and how to properly build a company around some guy you saw on Youtube.

October 2008. EliteXC is slowly gaining viewership. But they're hurting, Shamwow commercials prove to be stiff competition and it looks like reaching the coveted 1.0 rating will never happen. For months, EliteXC had relied on a steady stream of viewers who had forgotten to turn off their TV when their program came on. Then suddenly like all great things that never last, cable boxes start to come out with a feature to auto-shut off. Alas, ratings are slashed in half. The company panics and an emergency board meeting is called.

Discussions are held to decide whose at fault. Executive hands tremble as they attempt to deflect the blame to the cable companies. Amidst the chaos the answer comes. Kimbo Slice. "Well he kind of looked like Mr. T", recalls David Marshall, former Chairmen of EliteXC. Marshall had spent the last year in isolation watching videos on the internet, this was a man who knew what was up. Mainly losing millions of dollars annually. Slice,was ready for the big time, for prime time.

It was on. EliteXC would obtain legendary UFC fighter Ken Shamrock to take on Kimbo. Shamrock, more famously known for having his 'sister' sleep with pro-wrestling superstar Val Venis, would do his best to promote the fight. He just wasn't serious about actually fighting. "I was just playing guys", recalls Shamrock. In a desperate last ditch move to save the event, EliteXC would choose former Ultimate Fighter trainee and rejected UFC fighter Seth Petruzelli to do the honors. EliteXC would bank on Kimbo easily finishing a youngster like Seth and continuing his legend.

Naturally, Seth would go on to easily beat Kimbo in fourteen seconds by TKO. CBS dropped the show, Kimbo went back to Youtube, and the company would close a week later. In a final address to EliteXC fans, former Chairmen David Marshall had this to say, "But, would I do it all over again? Yes... I wouldn't change a thing"

Knicks 2009 Garden Pamphlet

We here at the Knicks appreciate you coming down in support of your favorite team! That being whatever team the Knicks are playing that night. You may have seen Lakers superstar Kobe Bryant score 61 points in our house this week… That’s making history, and that’s the Knicks superstar guarantee!

Some people (mean people) have criticized our team for poor defense in the past, but they’re just not using the proper terms. We like to think of it as “offensive enhancement” We’re simply good sportsmen, and here at the Knicks we believe everyone deserves to win… As long as they’re not playing for us. I’d also like to clear the air on some rumors. Rumor has it we won’t miss the lottery this year. I’m proud to say those rumors are false! Of course there’s always a chance the rest of the league goes on strike or gets injured leaving a wide-open chance for the Knicks! But we don’t like to discuss risks here at the Knicks. Unless you can bring them to us with 70 million dollar contracts over 6 years.  

Besides we value your free time! We know you have your favorite shows, and there’s some things in life that take priority over us. Like other teams. What’s that you’ve already stopped paying attention to this pamphlet? You say there’s a Lakers pamphlet going around?! We totally understand. See you next year, same time, same record! 

P.S….

Could you get us a copy of the Lakers pamphlet? Thanks.

Yours Truly,

The New York Knicks

Why "RealGMers" Should Never Actually Be GMs

Why "RealGMers" Should Never Actually Be GMs

This is how I picture a meeting with typical RealGMers in charge. Notice the lack of females at the table? That's no accident. Pssh, the RealGMer doesn't need that!!! There's more important issues to be discussed. Like Kobe's efficiency from halfcourt or what kind of dump KG took last week. Inevitably, upon several weeks here you'll come to understand the truths RealGMers hold dear:

1)Age:

The age of the NBA player is supremely important!! Any player who's played more than a year in the league should be traded for draft picks. You don't need those pesky veterans on your team! They might bring in wins, and ruin chances at the lottery. RealGMers love when their team most resembles high school varsity. They also despise the age limit. The correct number is right out of the vagina! RealGMers would then predictably trade the baby a month later. Probably for the draft rights to an infant yet to be born and cash.

2) Underrated

Role players are underrated. Superstars are overrated. Don't forget this cardinal rule, even when your team misses the playoffs. RealGMers love finding a diamond in the rough... Because then they can trade him for higher draft picks later. The key to knowing when a player is no longer underrated is when he's about to get a larger contract. Then that greedy bastard better get out! RealGMers secretly aspire to be Donald Sterling.

When Keeping It Real Goes Wrong: Randy Couture Edition

At 45 years old, Randy Couture had it all. Money, fame, a distinctly shiny head. There was even talk Randy was about to land a major prime time gig on television!

Alas it was not the right time and the chance to star in a breakthrough role as Mr. Clean was lost... Pretty much when the company remembered they could just hire some 'animators' overseas  for half a rupee a year . No matter, Randy was on top of the world! He knew negotiations would resume if he just had one more fight, the fight to end all fights.

Unfortunately, this was the picture Randy would receive from the UFC upon requesting a challenger. This 'Brock' looked like nothing more than mere accountant fodder. And so it wouldn't be long before Randy used his intuition to decide this was the man he wanted to face after having spent the last year at home watching Murphy Brown reruns.

Randy knew what he was doing, he was 'the natural', this 'Brock' was a nobody. Randy would train by new age radical methods. Mainly purchasing Smackdown for Playstation and beating Brock in it. A 'simulation' if you will. Oh it was on, and no accountant pro wrestler would stand in the way of Randy's rightful place as king of the octagon!

Upon arriving to the press conference Randy asked the reporters where this 'Brock' was because he needed someone to do his taxes.

Then Brock entered the room.

It was in this moment Randy made the decision. The decision to Keep it Real. Sure this Lesnar outweighed him by a good 50 pounds, but damn it he was a pro wrestler! This would be another David Vs Goliath style fight. Except the last time Randy had used a slingshot he was forty years younger. And slingshots weren't allowed in the octagon.

This would definitely go well

Hmmm... Maybe not.

UFC fans would go into a state of shock and denial. 'Captain America', the reigning UFC champion, had just been taken down by a pro wrestler and a Rock Bottom was not even involved.

Just another example of what can happen when Keeping it Real Goes Wrong

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